In counseling practice, I often hear the question, “How do I end a relationship without hurting someone’s feelings?” Whether it’s a romantic relationship or a friendship, ending the challenge graciously generally.
The problem arises because so many people see it as a reflection of their worth when someone does not want to be with them. “If I am good enough, this person wants to be with me, so there must be something wrong with me.”
There are other ways to see this. The way I see is that for each of us there is a relatively small number of people with whom we feel a deep connection. Do you want to explain this as a result of being part of the same soul in the spiritual world, or to have the same energy, or chemical, the reality is that we do not feel connected with ordinary people. Just because I do not feel connected with someone does not mean there is something wrong with them. Just because you did not feel compelled to spend time with someone does not mean there is anything wrong with that person, and just because someone is not connected to you does not mean there is something wrong with you. It’s just the way thing, and there is nothing to do with that something is wrong with anyone.
So if I told someone, “I feel no strong relationship between us,” I’m just stating facts. I do not make judgments about the adequacy of a person or feasible.
All of us meet people perfectly lovely with whom we do not feel a connection. The person may be very attractive, have similar interests to us, and even be on the same growth path or spiritual path. But we are not connected. Spark that ignites friendship or romance was not there. If we can all accept that someone who does not want to be with us has nothing to do with our values, we will not get hurt when someone says no to a relationship.
I do not pretend to understand all the factors that make a connection between two people. All I know is that we all have relationships with other experiences that occur in deep and fast, and the experience of a lack of connection. Many people have the experience that stays with someone because a friend said, “I just know you two will like each other. You are very similar,” only to discover the lack of connection. Katie, a client of mine recently told me, “Everyone said Rick is perfect for me. We look good together, we have similar interests and backgrounds, we are the same religion, we are educational, and he was a truly sweet. I kept thinking that if I just give it time, I will feel a connection. But it never happened. I feel so bad break up with him because there is nothing wrong with him, but the connection just is not there . ”
Does anyone’s fault that there is no chemistry or connection? Of course not! Something is wrong with either Katie or Rick’s nothing. The connection just is not there for Katie. He could not make it there. He finally said to Rick, “You are the people who really great. I hope I feel a connection with you that I want to have a partner, but I did not. It’s not your fault – simply does not exist”.
Whether or not Rick felt hurt by this is really up to him. Katie can not be held liable over how he feels. If Rick has the belief system that not everyone will feel connected with everyone, he will not feel hurt. If he has a belief system that if a woman is not related to him, there is something wrong with him, he will feel hurt. His pain will come from the belief system, not from the fact that Katie broke up with him.
Ending a relationship gracefully means speaking our truth without blame or judgments and not taking responsibility for others’ feelings. Randi, one of my clients recently told me that he was able to tell the truth than to sacrifice himself in order to avoid hurting someone. A friend introduced him to Barb, thinking that Randi and Barb had a lot in common and can become good friends. Randi together with Barb and felt no connection. In fact, he feels otherwise. While Randi felt that Barb was a sweet person, she also felt Barb energy is attractive in itself in many ways. While some people may not mind requires energy, or even feel loved, Randi did not like it at all. He was pleased with himself because he could tell that he just did not feel a connection with Barb him. Randi able to release feelings of responsibility for Barb if the Barb felt hurt by this.
Is there any way broken or always say no to a relationship without someone gets hurt? No. But by gently speaking your truth, you can gracefully end a relationship, and if you accept that the feelings of others comes from his belief system, then you will not feel guilty if someone else was hurt.